


Numb

by Bedkin



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Depression, I'm really sorry, M/M, Self Harm, Volleyball, im sorry, pls dont hate me, sort of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-17
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-03-01 21:55:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2789096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bedkin/pseuds/Bedkin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a while since Akaashi has found anything that's made him want to keep living</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Good the Bad and the Awful

Akaashi can’t feel anything. It’s all a dull throb and slightly wet, he sinks to his knees, his head starting to feel light and his vision blurring with tears which he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand anything anymore, it scares him. He can hear yelling but it’s faint, like he’s underwater and everything blurs into one and there’s noise all around him but he can’t hear it. Then it all turns black and the noises are gone, the relief pours through his veins because this is it, this is how he wants it, the darkness, comforting him, lulling him away.

Akaashi is well aware of his situation as soon as he wakes up in an unfamiliar bed, with unfamiliar noise all around him, he’s pretty sure this is just another failure to add to his list, they go on about how brave he is, he doesn’t feel brave, he feels like a goddam failure and a coward, just a loser who does stupid things that he doesn't understand. He’s so selfish, making his parents deal with this, wouldn't it just be better for them if he… if he… Akaashi moves slightly pulling his knees up into his chest, and resting his head on his knees, feeling the familiar warmth of tears welling up in his eyes. He hates it goddam it, he’s such a mess all the time, he barely goes to school, life is shitty anyway…

“Akaashi?” The doctor pulls open the curtain around his bed and steps into the false privacy. “I’ve changed your prescription, your parents are very worried about you, do you feel alright?”

He can’t raise his head so he just shakes it slowly his nose brushing against the thin bedsheets, it’s the same question every time, it’s always the same answer too, why do they even bother asking, he wonders. 

“Do you want to see your parents?” 

He shakes his head again, the tears are falling faster, he can’t face them, not right now anyway. 

“Keiji, reason with me please.” The doctor is standing too close, he doesn’t like it, it’s uncomfortable. 

“Please, don’t…” Akaashi hugs his knees in tighter and hides his face as best he can, “I… Can’t… Please…” 

The doctor moves away, Akaashi can hear him pull the curtain shut after him and slowly he lifts his head away, there is a wet patch on his sheets now. He sniffs slightly and leans back against the pillow, making sure to keep his arms under the sheets.

***

Akaashi walks into the school grounds feeling nervous, his jumper is pulled completely over his hands. This new school is worse than the hospital, everything is so alien to him and the people are the worst of all. Their noise is so unfamiliar, all at irregular pitches, messing with his ears, making him uncomfortable. He wants to leave, right now and never come back, before someone slams into the back of him, making him stumble and trip. This is just what he doesn’t need right now, his new notepad and pens spew out of his bag and it’s too much combined with the noise all around him and he can’t get back up and he can feel the tears coming and…

“I’m so sorry! I’ll help you okay! Are you alright? Please say you are! I’m so sorry!” Akaashi looks up, his eyes watery and his vision slightly blurred, the boy is leaning towards him but it’s not unpleasant or overbearing, his hand is outstretched and his amber eyes are full of concern. Akaashi forces a smile and grabs his hand to haul himself up, completely forgetting about his current situation, enjoying the warmth of this strange boy’s hand.

“Are you alright?” Akaashi flushes red when he realises he still has a firm grip on the tall boy’s hand and he lets go, pulling his jumper sleeves down over his hands again.

“Yes, I’m fine now, thanks…?” Akaashi pauses for the boy to answer, now his eyesight is returning and his vision is becoming sharper he can see all the other boy’s unusual features, his grey and white streaked, owl-like hair and thick white eyebrows somehow don't look out of place on his face.

“Bokuto, Bokuto Koutarou!” He smiles and bends down to help Akaashi collect his belongings which were currently still spewed across the ground.

“Thanks Bokuto-san.” Akaashi smiles slightly and his mood lifts ever so slightly and he can almost breathe.

“Are you… Akaashi Keiji?” Bokuto’s eyes are full of concern as he looks at Akaashi as they pick up the pens off the gravel.

“Yeah… How did you know?” Bokuto smiles sadly, and looks away before lifting up Akaashi’s bag, now full of his belongings, and handing it to him.

“My mum, she's a nurse at this hospital you see…” Akaashi stiffens up and Bokuto freezes, realising he’s hit the taboo. 

“Be seeing you Bokuto-san.” Akaashi hoists the bag onto his shoulder and walks away swiftly. He doesn't want Bokuto to see him get all weak about one little mention of the taboo, but he wants to get as far away from the association of hospitals as he can, if he can break the ties, if he can… if he… He’s not going to be that person anymore.

Class drags on and Akaashi takes notes like he should, he hasn't been to school in a while so there’s a lot to catch up on, but somehow his mind keeps drifting back to Bokuto. The way he’d looked at him, it had made him feel like he had some worth, like maybe he really wasn't just an invisible nuisance. Akaashi stays back after class and the teacher gives him a club activities form.

“All second years have to be in a club you know.” Akaashi nods because he knows it’s better to try and act normal and do what everyone else does, but at the same time he has no idea what club activity to do. As he walks out the door of the classroom he feels the weight of someone’s arm on his shoulder, he looks round into the beaming face of Bokuto Koutarou. 

“Hello again Akaashi!” Bokuto smiles and looks down at the piece of paper in Akaashi’s hand, “Club activities? I’ll fill it in for you!”

“No, really Bokuto-san, that’s not…” Bokuto hands him back the piece of paper, the scrawl on it is nearly illegible but Akaashi can just about read it, “The… Volleyball club?”

“Yep!” Bokuto beams and turns Akaashi in the direction of the faculty office pushing him forwards so they walk at a brisk pace, “The captain of the volleyball team is only yours truly, Bokuto Koutatou!”

“Okay.” Akaashi re-reads the paper again, he knows nothing about volleyball, and it’s a sport, he isn't sure this is really the club he wanted to be in, but as Bokuto practically forces the club form into the teacher’s hands when Akaashi tries to back away he realises that he’s already lost. Now he's in the volleyball club and there’s no turning back, especially when the captain spends most of his time clinging to you anyway. 

***

Why did he agree to this, this is a sport, everyone knows how to play it, except him. Akaashi pulls the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands, he can feel everyone watching him, Bokuto smiles and nudges him gently, 

“Say hello, Akaashi.” 

“Um… Hi, I’m Akaashi Keiji, nice to meet you all…” Akaashi shuffles awkwardly in his borrowed sports kit from Bokuto, it’s slightly too big and the shorts make him feel self conscious.

“Nice to meet you!” Akaashi looks up at the faces of all of the other club members, they were all smiling, these people, his teammates?

“You can just watch for a bit if you want, if it’ll make you feel more comfortable, we need a setter, so if you’re interested.” Bokuto winks and runs to join his teammates, leaving Akaashi at the edge of the gymnasium, watching Bokuto talk to his team and organising them into a group arrangement for practise drills. After a while it sets into a rhythm and then out of the blue Bokuto yells,

“Didja see that Akaashi?!” Akaashi had seen it, one of the other players had thrown the ball up and Bokuto had smacked it down, the muscles in his arms pulling taut as he’d pushed the ball away. 

Akaashi nods, conscious of many pairs of eyes focussing on him alone, “Can I play too?” And he lets his breath out as Bokuto’s eyes widen and the tall owl-haired boy runs towards him and pulls him into a hug which hurts his ribs, “Uh… Bokuto-san… can’t breathe…”

Bokuto releases him, and smiles, “We’ve got a setter everyone!”

The team cheers and Akaashi has zero clue what’s going on but for once in a long while the world seems to weigh a little less and the sun seems to be just a little brighter so perhaps today, perhaps today will be the day.


	2. The higher you climb the harder you fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akaashi isn't used to letting people get close to him so he isn't used to the feelings that come with it.

It's been a week, he's a week clean. It seems like an age even though it's flown by in what feels like a matter of seconds. The fading red marks and scars across his arms are just that, history, marks of what once happened. For once he feels like he might be able to do it, just so go out somewhere, have a good night's sleep, not have to worry. 

But he is worrying. Every time he closes his eyes he can see Bokuto, smiling, congratulating him for finally setting a decent toss, saying how proud he was. It's weird, he can't quite place his feelings, he's never really been close to anyone before. Akaashi's pretty used to shutting people out, so generally people don't try to get close to him enough to actually break through his walls. But Bokuto, he's different, he's so loud and obnoxious and completely headstrong and... And... He's... He's beautiful... Akaashi sighs and buries his face in his pillow, he can feel the blush creeping over his face, if he doesn't sleep soon morning practise is going to be hell.

***

Akaashi leaves the house early, earlier than he would normally leave for morning practise, walking towards the school with all of his uniform in a bag alongside his books, it's completely empty, the solitude makes Akaashi feel comfortable, he breathes in the cold air, admiring how easy it is to walk around when no one's watching. It takes three words to snap him out of his reverie.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Akaashi looks around to see Bokuto charging towards him, the older boy slinging an arm across his shoulder and grinning proudly. "You're up early Akaashi!"

"Good morning Bokuto-san." Akaashi says quietly, he keeps walking straight ahead, focussing on each joint moving as he walks to keep himself calm.

"Your ridiculously early though, seriously, did you even sleep?" Akaashi looks around towards Bokuto, despite all his bravado and cheeriness the bags under his eyes were just about visible, a slight tinge of purple under his lower lashes. 

"You're up early too though Bokuto-san." Akaashi smiles slightly and keeps walking, he's conscious of his own appearance, he must look awful, a strange blushing tired mess, his eyes are starting to strain and he can feel the weight of his eyelids threatening to close any second and force him into a deep sleep, which might be quite nice really, he thinks.

"Yeah, I guess I am..." Bokuto smiles, but Akaashi's spent enough time living with himself to understand a fake smile when he sees one. But he decides to let it slide because he's not one to talk about health really. 

Akaashi pulls his borrowed hoodie down further over his hands, and then he feels Bokuto's fingers in his palm, he jumps instantly and stops walking, a blush creeping over his face. Bokuto gently pushes the hoodie up to Akaashi's wrist, so that his full hand is on display, as well as a thin white line across his wrist. Akaashi feels violently uncomfortable, but also completely paralysed and powerless, he isn't used to people, at all. Bokuto's fingers are gentle and he traces a line across Akaashi's wrist, along the scar. He shivers slightly 

"Don't be so shy Akaashi, you're beautiful." Bokuto smiles and Akaashi can tell it's genuine he smiles back weakly and Bokuto threads his fingers through the gaps between each of Akaashi's fingers and they fit together like two slightly mangled puzzle pieces, in a strange, broken jigsaw. If there had been a blush on Akaashi's face before it was nothing compared to the blush now.

"I... Um... I... I don't..." Akaashi stammers, his hand is sweating and it's making him nervous and he really wants to not be here and be here at the same time and the feeling is making him nauseous. "Bokuto-san, I ... Can't, please."

Bokuto turns just as Akaashi feels the first tear fall, it's stupid and he knows it and he really doesn't want to be like this now, he's happy but his stupid hormones don't want him to be. "I'm so sorry Akaashi!" Bokuto lets go of his hand instantly and Akaashi can't feel anything except the hoodie being pulled over his hands, hiding them, they're just another thing he's got to be embarrassed about and he hates it. And then he does something stupid. It's all just impulse and Akaashi sees Bokuto's eyes dim and then flicker to life as he moves towards him, closing the gap and throwing his arms around the older boy's neck and pulling them together into the world's most fucked up kiss, and Akaashi's more surprised than Bokuto when he feels the other's lips on his and slowly the gears start to turn and then Akaashi's coordination system fails and he can feel tears falling everywhere in a great mess with no idea what's going on, it takes his conscious a second to kick in and force him to pull away from Bokuto, and then he runs, not turning back to see the older boy watching him go, and see the tinges of sadness in his amber eyes.

***

He takes three days off school. There's some new marks on his right arm, just below his elbow. It was stupid, why, why did he have to bring Bokuto into his shitty life, his problems weren't Bokuto's why should he have to deal with them? He knows he looks awful because of the vague glances of himself he catches in reflecting surfaces. The bags under his eyes are about as bad as they get and the new marks are red and ugly against his pale skin. It's only on the third day when his mum shouts that he's got a phone call that he summons the will to go downstairs and face his parents.

"Keiji, there's a friend from school who wants to talk to you." His mum shouts, her voice is the loudest thing he's heard in days and it makes his head ring slightly.

"Tell them I'm not here." He says weakly, he knows it's a weak argument because even if he's feeling like paper his mum won't take no for an answer. 

"Keiji, it's your friend Bokuto-san!" He shivers slightly before shuffling down the stairs to the phone where his mother smiles and hands it to him, watching to make sure he doesn't just hang up.

"Hello?" 

"Akaashi!" The voice on the other end is loud but it's clearly Bokuto, somewhere inside him he smiles because he likes hearing Bokuto's voice. 

"Hey Bokuto-san." God he sounds tired, his voice hasn't really been used for two days, save for crying.

"We're really missing you at school, you're going to come back right?" 

"But you're not in any of my classes, Bokuto-san." 

"Akaashi, 'we' is a plural pronoun, everyone's missing you, silly." Akaashi pauses, he'd never really considered that anyone other than Bokuto actually liked him. He smiles slightly. "Anyway, if you think you can come we're having volleyball practise in about an hour, I'm going to be lonely if you don't come."

"I'll see." Akaashi thinks about what the implications of volleyball practise are, he decides that he should probably go, he's trying to be normal after all, even if he's already failing a little. 

"Sweet, okay Akaashi, see you later!" He hangs up and his mum smiles at him.

"Mum, do you think you could drive me to school in a bit?"

***

Akaashi walks towards the gymnasium, he can already hear the squeak of trainers against the varnished wooden floor and the sound of balls hitting the floor. He attempts to shuffle in unnoticed but as soon as he opens the door Bokuto flies into him, almost knocking him over and making him stumble back a few paces,

"Akaashi! You came!" Akaashi smiles, he can see Bokuto's face inches from his own, and behind him the team are all smiling and coming over, he blushes slightly, so this is what it's like to have friends.

"Yeah, evidently Bokuto-san." Bokuto smiles and grabs his hand, pulling him towards the rest of the team and pushing a ball into his hands.

"We can't have our only setter getting all sad now can we?" Akaashi looks up from the ball, Bokuto is grinning from ear to ear and all the others are laughing and smiling too, he tosses the ball up experimentally, his arms feel a little weak but he's sure he can manage it. 

After an hour of tossing balls and making his arms ache Bokuto calls an end to the practise and Akaashi stretches out the cramps in his shoulders, he's hot but he can't take his hoodie off until he's away from the others so he walks a little slower behind the rest to the club room. By the time he gets there the only one left is Bokuto, the older boy is sitting on the bench, his legs stretched out and his head resting on the wall, he's beautiful, it's all Akaashi can think. 

"Hey Akaashi, I'm really sorry about the other day and..." Akaashi takes off his hoodie, his t-shirt underneath is white and thin, his arms on full display. Bokuto looks up at him his eyes widen slightly as he sees the lines of scars across his pale skin. 

"Bokuto-san, I... I think you're beautiful..." Akaashi blushes and looks away from the older boy whose eyes have grown ever wider, he turns back to see a grin creeping across the other's face and then he's pulled into one of Bokuto's deadly embraces and even though he can't breathe he's happy, because he's with Bokuto. "I'm happy, Bokuto-san."

"I'm glad, I'm happy too Akaashi." Akaashi lifts up his scarred arms and links them around Bokuto's neck before gently pressing a kiss to his lips, he feels Bokuto smile and the other boy kisses him back and Akaashi's pretty sure this is what he needs to be happy, he needs Bokuto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos etc.!
> 
> It means a lot and I love you all! 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry Akaashi pls forgive me...


End file.
